i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
