she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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