There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
