You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so let's talk penis.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
