Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
