the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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