Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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