And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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