The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
