there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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