so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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