i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We named our party play list daddy issues
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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