I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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