My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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