walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
