he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
