she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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