Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
