Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
