seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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