I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
