I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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