Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
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