You just made me feel so damn special
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
