I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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