im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Houston, we have a blender
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
