the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
