I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
