the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It all started with a game of naked twister.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
