i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
