I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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