I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
