Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
