I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We got so high we made milksteak
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
