Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
