Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
