This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
