Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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