I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
