I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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