I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
