She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
