I just threw up on my dentist
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
