i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
