Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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