Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
