Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
