we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
