I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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