im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
